Friday, May 8, 2009

I'm a shitty person.

I ordered my copy of Silent Sorority! I can't freaking wait for it to get here.

I have 3 best friends, one has 3 year old twin boys, one is pregnant with twins, and one is getting married in a few months. It should be such a happy time. I'm bitter... I shouldn't feel this way. I'm the world's worst friend.

I was reading a blog the other day that compared RE visits and infertility to a drug. That's exactly it. It takes so much to withdrawal from it then someone comes around and makes it look easy* and makes you want to run to your "dealer" for another fix. Too bad there isn't a 12 step program for this.

*Easy- Let me explain before I get mad comments. This term is used loosely, if anyone gets pregnant with less meds/cycles/treatments than I have I can't help but to think it was easy.

Now, how am I going to get through this and get on with life? I would love to leave the bitter behind but right now it's unrealistic. I'm doubting everything I've ever known. There can't be a god in a world like this. How in the world can someone get blessed with multiples if I can't even get one. There just can't be a higher power and leave me feeling this way. AND don't fucking say that everything happens for a reason.... that's impossible. I've worked in health care far too long to know this.

I've thought about seeking therapy. But I know that if this person has children they have no idea how I feel. I would like a barren women psychologist (or psychiatrist so I can get drugs) but I'm afraid that's impossible.


just me, dawn said...

you are not a shitty person, you know that. It is just harder some days to be happy for everyone else when we are hurting. sending you a hug!

Katie said...

I don't know what to say Ellen. I know I haven't been through nearly as much as you and I just barely passed the line into infertility. I promise you that I want you to be blessed with babies more than I want any one to in the whole entire world. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and I wish it didn't have to be like this. I of course love you so so so much and I would like to believe that you are happy FOR me, even though you aren't happy at all. I know we promised to never be upset when the other got pregnant, but I know that that was probably a stupid promise and pretty much impossible. Even though you're so upset, I will always believe that you'll be here for me 100 percent if I ever really need you and I will be here for you 100 percent as well. I hate that we turned out like this, but I love you lots and your friendship means more to me than most. If there is anything I can do to make this easier, like never talk about it to you, then let me know, cause I miss my sweet cheeks and Lily-isms already. XOOXOXOXX

Lisa said...

I know what you mean. A 12 step program would be nice.

Melissa said...

You aren't a shitty friend! You're totally entitled to your feelings, even if they suck right now. Honestly, do what you need to do to take care of yourself even if it means pulling away a little. It's hard to talk about IF stuff with people who haven't gone through it very long/or had invasive procedures. hell, i'm sure people don't read my blog b/c of my daughter and i totally get that.


oh and i totally don't believe everything happens for a reason.

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't think you're a shitty person at all! You're talking about your feelings, that's good! I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. All I have to offer is a hug and my email address any time you want to vent.

Heather said...

I <3 YOU, ELLEN!!!

Coming2Terms said...

Well, I can assure you that you will find a lot of yourself in Silent Sorority. You'll LOVE chapter five. Sometimes I read blog posts like this and wonder if there isn't some universal shitty place where we all end up for a while. It does get better (and I say that will lots of familiar scars).

Lori said...

I think I understand how you feel.

We got our diagnosis on the SAME DAY that my YOUNGER sister found out she was pregnant with #2 AND #3! She was NOT happy because her #1 was only 8 mos old.

WFT!? It was 31 different flavors of crap.

So, if you're shi++y, I'm shi++y. Which is quite possible.

(BTW and FWIW. I once used the word "barren" with a therapist, who used it as a cue to do a past life regression, being as how it is an out-dated term. It resulted in this:

Justin Matott said...
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Justin Matott said...
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Terra said...

Ellen I found you, It looks like I need to grab a blanky and curl up and shed a few heartfelt tears as I read your story - I will have to wait till the house is quiet...but I love sharing tweets with you and can't wait to come back and learn more about the woman behind the tweets.