Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Introspection

One week left of school. Could it just be over?! I get to spend the next week busting my ass and completely stressing about finals. Even beyond these thoughts of tests, quizzes and projects my mind is still fixating on the thought of living child-free not by choice. I always say the "not by choice" part because I don't want anyone, friend or foe, to stumble across the blog and judge me. No, I do not wish to live my life empty handed and I do not wish to blow my money on cars instead of college tuition for kiddos. I would love to be broke and making chicken pot pies and changing diapers but I'm afraid it's just not my reality.

I even have a full bottle of Femara, but I just don't want to take it. Even if it works (which I'm sure it won't) it doesn't mean the pregnancy is going to work. I'm at a place in my life where I'm, at least, a little at peace with the idea. I know having another miscarriage would throw that idea out the window. I would crawl back under my comforter and live a few months under there.

I know it will be different for everyone, but when did you just know that living child-free not by choice was the decision for you?

5 comments:

Heather said...

My heart aches for you, Ellen.

Lisa said...

I would never make that decision. Everyone has a choice to have kids, they have to decide HOW they can do that. Sometimes our bodies make that decision for us... :( I have been pg 3 times and NEVER had a live baby, BUT... I have 4 kids, two of which from babies. My 3 year old knows my "tummy is broken." I STILL can't understand why, but I did resolve that I would not let that keep me from being a Mommy.

Katie said...

I'm sorry Ellen. I truely hope and pray that one day you WILL have your baby and make chicken pot pies one way or another.

Let's win the lottery :) we'll get our quads then for sure

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sending you a hug, hon. I wish I had more to offer. You'll also be in my prayers tonight.
*HUGS*

Katie said...

Have you looked into saving and getting financial assistance for adoption or surrogacy? I know Capital One has a loan just for infertility treatments/surrogacy/adoption costs. You're still a youngin' just like you said before. I'm sure you could get approved and start the process when you turn 25.